Head Squatter 1/1
Gen fic, Kirk and Spock
Ficlet, really. More of a gag than a full out story. ;-D

A/N: So. alestar made me a fic bingo card for Star Trek. And it made me giggle. And then I got crackfic ideas. The sad thing is, I can easily think of LONG fic ideas. Which I'm staying away from. Unless I get a really good one. <.<

Ummm. From the prompt: bodyshare/bodyswap. Combined with quarantine, because it was too funny. Oh yeah, baby. >.>



"You know," Kirk said aloud, just to hear someone's voice, "I'm really beginning to think that we shouldn't go planetside together anymore." He reached out with his toes, nudging Spock's prone body. "You are still breathing, right?"

As near as I can determine. If you're worried, you could check.

"There's more emotion in your head -- my head -- our head -- than your voice. Maybe we should communicate like this more often."

Are you suggesting we infect ourselves with the Larai'ambasii on purpose, Captain?

Kirk glanced around the clear plastic room they were in. "No," he said at last. "I'm really not." He leaned his head back against the wall, wondering if it was even possible to get cold. The containment room was regulated to their ideal body temperatures, Bones had told them when they'd gone into quarantine, but being naked -- or nearly so -- made him feel like he should be cold. Kirk peered down at himself. He flexed one pec. Then the other. Then he made them do a little dance, humming a tune and starting to get into it.

What are you doing?

He stopped. "Nothing."

Captain, denying it won't mean I didn't see it.

Kirk folded his arms over his chest. "I hate having a head-squatter."

I'm no more enamored of it than you. But while I'm here, we might as well make the best of it.

"The best of it. The best of it?" Kirk glared at Spock's body. "Spock! That's you down there! And you in here! Exactly what 'best of it' do you think we're going to find?"

There was a very long silence. We could compare information. Things we should both know.

That was the dumbest-- Kirk settled back, glaring at the overhead lights. "Okay. Let's compare information about Uhura. What's she like in bed?"

There was another silence, but this time it was accompanied by knowledge. Kirk sat straight up. "She dumped you?"

I didn't say that.

"No, but -- but it's there!" Which was alarming in and of itself. Spock hadn't given him the information -- he just knew it. They were swapping personal knowledge, now? "Spock, don't even think about rooting around in my head." And then, suddenly, he knew Spock was. It took no more than the most fleeting of impulses -- even Spock apparently had those.

And Kirk was thinking about how long it had been since he'd been laid. Way, waaaaay too long.

"Hey! Knock that off! Or I'll--" And in his head, thought was as good as deed. Suddenly he knew just exactly how well formed Spock's anatomy was. "AGH!" He clutched his skull, bending over. "I didn't really want to know tha--HEY! No fair getting a peep show!"

I -- I'm sorry, Captain. It won't happen again. Spock sounded just as horrified as Kirk felt.

"James!"

He flapped a hand at Bones, who was standing outside the cubicle. "I'm fine! I just -- ugh. Don't want to explain. You have got to get Spock out of my skull."

"Another twelve hours, and it'll be done. The antidote has to run it's course--"

"Twelve hours! In twelve hours I'll know whether he wears tightie whities or -- oh God, didn't need that information."

Agreed.

Kirk flopped to the floor, rolling to stare upward, flinging his arms out to the side. One flopped across Spock's chest. "Okay. Here's my plan. We just sit here and be quiet. Don't think anything."

I'm not sure that's possible.

"Look, we either do that, or I start thinking of porn. Hey. Hey! Stop rifling through my mental porn collection!"

I... didn't mean to, Captain.

Probably couldn't help it. Vulcans probably didn't even have porn.

And then he knew they did. And he knew exactly what it was like. Kirk whimpered. This was going to be a very long twelve hours.


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